Thursday, April 21, 2011

This Lenten Journey Has Brought More Questions Than Answers

Only fools say in their hearts, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, and their actions are evil; not one of them does good!
~ Psalm 14:1, NLT

Tonight Lent comes to an end as the Holy Triduum begins with Holy Thursday. This also means that this is the last daily blog post I will do for Lent. It has been quite an adventure. I realize as I look back that my blogs that they really reflect my life. The ups and downs, the happiness and sorrow, the playfulness and the seriousness all come out in my writings.

But what I didn’t expect is more questions than answers in my spiritual life. I fully expected to travel on this Lenten journey and come closer to my faith—instead I’m right where I was before. I’m not sure what is happening…am I under attack spiritually? Probably.

The hardest thing for me, and it sounds like my kids may have inherited this gene from me, is the lack of “realness”. I’ve been accused, and rightfully so, that I get too caught up in the emotions of Christianity—my highs are too high and my lows are too low. Finding that happy medium is difficult for me and I find myself hitting the bottom only to be thrust into the high. I’m surprised I haven’t broken my spiritual neck with the back and forth in my emotions.

So where do I go from here? As the scripture says, only the fool says there is no God. I’m most definitely not a fool—there has to be a creator. It takes MORE faith to believe that we evolved from a spec of space dust. But I find myself questioning biblical history. I ask myself why won’t God reveal himself to me? Why must I “think” I believe that Christ really died for me? How is it possible to come “closer” to the Trinity reading more and praying more when I don’t feel any closer to Christ than I did some 17 years ago?

I end my Lent 2011 blogs with this thought…..God, I need to know you are real. I need to know you care. I need you to reveal yourself to me FOR REAL. My soul is hanging on by a thread and my faith is more unstable than it has ever been before. Please don’t make me out to be a fool for fool’s sake. Move me like never before in REAL conversion.

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